Cheers, Champ: The Official Joe Biden Koozie

Who doesn't want a Joe Biden koozie?

You know, to 'keep your soda cold.'

Available at the Barack Obama campaign store for 5 clams.

God Releases 'Last Testament,' Tells of Adam & Steve

For those of you who have wondered why God has been on literary hiatus for 1,400 years, you will be pleased to know that a new tome is on the way.

The Last Testament: A Memoir, by God (with help from former executive producer of The Daily Show, David Javerbaum) will be available November 1.

In this new Good Book, God addresses several important topics, such as why He loves America, what He listens for in a good prayer, and which celebrities "are totally gay."

Most importantly, God finally reveals how he handles all those sports-related prayers.

He writes:

And so that is why I have never, ever, ever, influenced the outcome of a sporting event to determine the winner. 

I have only, on extremely rare occasions, influenced the outcome of a sporting event to affect the spread.

But perhaps most shocking to readers will be God's story of Adam and Steve, "the real first couple."

The Advocate has excerpted this story for your reading pleasure. It begins:

1 To resume:

2 It is often said — and even more often screamed at anti–gay marriage rallies outside the statehouse in Lansing — that I created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.

3 Wrong.

4 Now will I tell the story of the first man, Adam; and of the companion I fashioned for him, Steve; and of the great closeting that befell their relationship.

5 For after I created the earth, and sea, and every plant and seed and beast of the field and fowl of the air, and had the place pretty much set up, I saw that it was good;

6 But I also saw, that by way of oversight it made good administrative sense to establish a new middle‑managerial position.

7 So as my final act of Day Six, I formed a man from the dust of the ground, and breathed life into his nostrils; and I called him Adam, to give him a leg up alphabetically.

8 And lo, I made him for my image; not in my image, but for my image; because with Creations thou never gettest a second chance to make a first impression;

9 And so in fashioning him I sought to make not only a responsible planetary caretaker, but also an attractive, likeable spokesman who in the event of environmental catastrophe could project a certain warmth.

10 To immediately assess his ability to function in my absence, I decided to change my plans; for I had intended to use Day Seven to infuse the universe with an innate sense of compassion and moral justice; but instead I left him in charge and snoozed.

11 And Adam passed my test; yea, he was by far my greatest achievement; he befriended all my creatures, and named them, and cared for them; and tended the Garden most skillfully; for he had a great eye for landscape design.

12 But I soon noticed he felt bereft in his solitude; for oft he sighed, and pined for a helpmeet; and furthermore he masturbated incessantly, until he had well‑nigh besplattered paradise.

13 So one night I caused him to fall into a deep sleep; fulsomely did I roofie his nectar; and as he slept, I removed a rib, though not a load‑bearing one.

14 And from this rib I fashioned a companion for him; a hunk, unburdened by excess wisdom; ripped, and cut, and hung like unto a fig tree before the harvest;

15 Yea, and a power bottom.

16 And Adam arose, and saw him, and wept for joy; and he called the man Steve; I had suggested Steven, but Adam liked to keep things informal.

17 And Adam and Steve were naked, and felt no shame; they knew each other, as often as possible; truly their loins were a wonderland.

18 And they were happy, having not yet eaten of the Tree of the Knowledge That Your Lifestyle Is Sinful.

Continue the story of Adam & Steve here at The Advocate.

In addition, the chapter on sports can be read at Scribd.

We Are All Equal

A must-see for North Carolinians.

In September 2011, the North Carolina General Assembly voted to place an amendment on the May 2012 ballot restricting the liberties of minority couples in the state. This video documents the outcry against this act as it would historically be the only portion of the state constitution that would restrict individual rights.



Visit Equality NC to see how you can help.

The 10 Nuttiest Quotes From The Values Voter Summit (And 1 Sensible One)

This past weekend, thousands of cultural conservatives descended upon Washington, DC for the Values Voter Summit, sponsored by designated hate group Family Research Council. Each of the major GOP presidential hopefuls were in attendance, as were dozens of political and religious figures with well-documented affinity for religious bigotry, discrimination, xenophobia, and dishonesty. 

While this cast of characters generally toned down their rhetoric on the national stage, the event was in no way devoid of bilious remarks and poisonous ideology (and some good old fashioned insanity):

Bryan Fischer: "I submit to you that not a single one of our unalienable rights will be safe in the hands of a president who believes that we evolved from slime and that we are the descendents of apes and baboons."

Glenn Beck, in reference to Occupy Wall Street: "The violent left is coming to our streets" to "smash, to tear down, to kill, to bankrupt, to destroy."

Bryan Fischer: "Just as Islam represents the greatest long term threat to our liberty so the homosexual agenda represents the greatest immediate threat to every freedom and right that is enshrined in the First Amendment...we must choose as a nation between homosexuality and liberty, because we cannot have both."

Mat Staver: "The battles we face in America today are not about necessarily tangible borders but intangible ones, they involve the borders around life, liberty and family. And these borders like those physical borders in Israel are under intense attack. In America we are witnessing fierce battles to boot God out of the public schools and out of the public squares, to teach even the youngest of our children about sex and homosexuality, to make America a tax-supported right for any reason and to redefine the very definition of family and marriage."

Bryan Fischer: “We need a president who will treat homosexuality not as a political cause at all, but as a threat to public health...Homosexual behavior represents the same threat to human health that injection drug use does. I believe we need a president who understands that neither homosexual behavior nor injection drug use represent lifestyles that any responsible government ought to normalize, legitimize, legalize, protect, sanction, or subsidize."

Bryan Fischer: "By God's blessing, we have not been hit by a Muslim attack since 9/11. I suggest that in part, we have Major League Baseball to thank. You remember that the week after 9/11 Major League Baseball converted the seventh inning stretch from the singing of 'Take Me Out To The Ballgame' to the singing of 'God Bless America?'"

Rep. Steve King: "I believe that the declaration was written with divine guidance. I believe that God moved the Founding Fathers around this country and the globe like men on a chess board."

Robert Jeffress: "That is a mainstream view, that Mormonism is a cult...Every true, born again follower of Christ ought to embrace a Christian over a non-Christian.”

Glenn Beck: "There is a race war that is going on in our country, declared by the black panthers and Louis Farrahkaun and anybody else says that America, somehow or another, stole the land from Mexico. There is a race war. It wasn't started by us, but they have declared it and we must end it."

Ed Vitagliano: "...The male desire to go out and conquer and to wander. I think that is part of the makeup of a man, but marriage helps to channel those things in a constructive way. I believe that's why there's so much promiscuity in the male homosexual community, because they're two men who behave the same way and there is no civilizing influence in their lives."

The most sensible and compassionate quote from the weekend came from Mitt Romney who stated:

“Our values ennoble the citizen and strengthen the nation. We should remember that decency and civility are values too. One of the speakers who will follow me today [Bryan Fischer], has crossed that line. Poisonous language does not advance our cause. It has never softened a single heart nor changed a single mind."

Amen.

Pastor Reviews Video Game About Child Abuse -- And Loves It.

Paste Magazine has a review of the role-playing game, The Binding of Isaac, which is based (of course) on the biblical story of the binding of Isaac.

In the biblical story from Genesis, Abraham is commanded by God to sacrifice his son Isaac on Mount  Maraiah.

While it may be a strange concept for a video game, it is apparently (oddly) compelling. And probably the first game about child abuse.

Paste had Drew Dixon review the game. Drew is a pastor. He has an MDIV in Christian Ministry from The Southern Baptist Theological Seminary. He's a parent and a soccer coach. He also happens to love video games. He's also the editor at Christ and Pop Culture, a Christian Web site, and a contributor to Relevant magazine.

Dixon describes the game:

The game doesn’t give you much time to reflect on what is transpiring as you are thrown into a realm of bizarre and harrowing monsters and even stranger items. On the surface it’s a rogue-like game that pays homage to the original Zelda. However, when I actually considered what I was doing in the game, I could not help but be troubled. Isaac doesn’t fight enemies with sword and shield but with the tears of a neglected child. And the items he collects make his quest more bizarre and difficult as often as they aid him. And the items that actually do help him are telling. When Isaac finds dog food, it gives him health. Was he forced to eat this? The spoon and the belt will make Isaac run faster, reminiscent of running from an abusive parent. Upon finding “Sister Maggy” or “Brother Bobby” Isaac is joined by a ghost-like drone that helps him fight his minions. Were these real siblings? If so how did they die? In between levels the player is greeted with short animations of Isaac’s dreams in which he is mocked by other boys and neglected by his mother.

One could imagine that Dixon will get a lot of grief for taking on this assignment. But one has to hand it to him for sticking his neck out there and showing that sometimes a game is just a game, a myth is just a myth, and that all Christians are not the knee-jerk reactionary zealots who find every pop culture appropriation of Judeo-Christian narrative to be blasphemous.

But again, it's a game about child abuse. The game doesn't shy from the fact that this is more than just a biblical story in a video game setting. It takes liberties with the narrative and tosses in a few doses of A Child Called It.

Dixon concludes:

Isaac is the kind of game that I should hate. I am not a fan of overly challenging games. Additionally I am a Christian pastor and Isaac certainly takes a lot of liberties in its “retelling” of the classic Bible story from which it takes its name. The game is deeply dark, and often unsettling. There is nothing simple, understandable, or light about child abuse. Thus Isaac is thoroughly discomforting, challenging, and darkly funny. The game won’t make you able to understand child abuse but it will make you feel for Isaac—sometimes deeply. Other times it will completely bewilder you, much like Isaac’s world has done to him.

More about the game at Steam.

The Batshit Files: News Roundup | 10.06.11

• The Westboro Baptist Church revealed their plans to picket Steve Jobs' funeral. They announced this via a tweet sent from an iPhone. (Buzzfeed)

• New Hampshire state representative (and Rick Perry BFF) Al Baldasaro has been asked to step down after statements he made about the openly gay soldier who appeared in the GOP debate. What did he say, exactly? Oh just that he thought the booing was “great,” because he “was so disgusted over that gay marine coming out...He doesn't realize it, but when the shit hits the fan, you want your brothers covering your back, not looking at your back.” (The Advocate)

• Bill O'Reilly says it's "always bad to use Nazis in analogies." Except if you're Bill O'Reilly. (Media Matters)

• Herman Cain: "If you don't have a job, and you're not rich, blame yourself!" (Think Progress)

• Poor Bryan Fischer. He's not really a hateful bigot when he likens gays to domestic terrorists, pedophiles, slave traders and murderers -- he's simply "telling the truth." (Right Wing Watch)

• You're right, WorldNetDaily. Immigration to the US by "Mexicans and others" is exactly like the Nazi Invasion Of Europe. (Media Matters)

• Hank Williams, Jr. seems to think that the Freedom of Speech means that television networks are required to pay him millions of dollars to air his song in a television program. (NY Mag)

• Self-proclaimed prophet Bobby Conner says the US policy on Israel caused the BP oil spill. (Right Wing Watch)

• Fox and Friends' Brian Kilmeade says that, unlike the Occupy Wall Street movement, the Tea Parties "popped up out of nowhere." And by "out of nowhere," he means "promoted relentlessly by Fox News." (Media Matters)

• Daniel Lapin of Toward Tradition appeared on The 700 Club with Pat Robertson to tell us that the Bible warned us of the 9/11 attacks, which were based on Hitler's dream. (Right Wing Watch)

• The right wing media really does not like the new poverty-stricken Sesame Street muppet at all. (Media Matters)

• Michael Bresciani of Renew America wrote that the booing of the openly gay soldier at the GOP debate (and the silence from the candidates) was justified because the crowd, and the candidates, rightly adhere “to the scriptural belief that homosexuality is a sin of perversion and the promulgation or promoting of it can make them guilty, culpable or complicit by association.” (Right Wing Watch)

• Texas Republican Rep. Louie Gohmert told the House that Obama's jobs bill is really just a ruse to destroy traditional marriage. (The Advocate)

Art Pope Exposed

Sue Sturgis and Chris Kromm of the Institute for Southern Studies have created a video introducing their research into Art Pope's overarching influence on North Carolina politics.

It's important that North Carolinians educate themselves on the dishonest and underhanded tactics employed by Art Pope and his network of heavily-funded organizations set on fundamentally transforming the state, especially as we gear up for the May 8 vote on the anti-LGBT amdendment, and the pivotal 2012 general election.

Via Facing South:

ArtPopeExposed.Com comes after a widely-circulated profile of Pope in this week's New Yorker magazine, which drew on Facing South's and the Institute's research and reporting over the last 18 months.

Among the facts profiled at ArtPopeExposed:

Bankrolling the Right: The John William Pope Foundation, which Art Pope chairs, supplies 90% of the income of the leading conservative advocacy groups in North Carolina. Pope has claimed that most of his foundation's money goes to charity, but tax records show that at least two-thirds of their grants support conservative groups and causes.

Buying Political Influence: In 2010, three groups backed by Pope -- Americans for Prosperity, Civitas Action and Real Jobs NC -- supplied 75% of the outside money that flooded into North Carolina's state legislative elections, helping fuel historic Republican victories. Pope family members also bundled more than $300,000 in personal contributions to GOP candidates and committees.

Funding Climate Denial: Pope's foundation has given $24.1 million to a network of "climate denial" groups -- many tied to energy interests -- who ignore the scientific consensus about climate change and fight clean energy standards.

Sue Sturgis and Chris Kromm introduce ArtPopeExposed: